A Long Unnecessary Explanation

Ok...it may not be that lengthy, but I'm sure both of you will get over that.

I'm sorry about today. See, i've been soul-bruised quite a bit over the last few years and I'm not sure how normal folks get along in this day to day world. So if it seems that I'm too good to talk to you, you should probably know that in my brain, I feel the opposite...that I'm not good enough.
I've also been ruined for "normality" in another way. I've experiences true, biblical community. I know what it's like to walk into a room and be completely known, loved, and accepted all while my sin is being despised on my behalf and loved out of me. So it's been a while since i had to smile and use the churchy "F" word. (fine)
This dichotomy that takes place in my brain will come out at the oddest times. It will show up and be perceived as arrogance. It will show up and be perceived as rebellion. It shows up and is perceived as humility at best and false humility at worst. So just in case you're around when it pops up, know that i'm thinking one of two things.

"I am not good enough to initiate relationship that will end all too soon anyways"

or

"I don't know where the boundary should be so I'll just sit here and stare at my phone"

Though I know I am loved and accepted by God through Christ, I forget sometimes that His Spirit lives in me and that's more than enough. I forget that I am accepted right now. I forget that I am ferociously loved right now. When i remember, that awkward interaction gives way to Christ living through me. I'm focused on Jesus, rather than you...or me.

So I'm sorry it was awkward today.